Facing Someone's Indifference, Hostility, or Arrogance???

To go along with the last post, a quote:

To realize that behind an indifferent or hostile or arrogant facade another person is struggling just to claim a place in the world, a place they do not really believe they deserve - this blows our superior attitude to smithereens. (C. Terry Warner)

Get Bitter or Play Better

My mom is one of the smartest people I know. She'll also forgive me if I steal some of her thoughts and lay them out in public.

In the last week or so, I've felt increasingly bummed about several situations in my life. (If you know me in "real life" don't think this is you or presume you know what I'm talking about...cause you'd never guess...there are multiple situations, including some that don't directly affect me...and it doesn't matter in the scope of what I'm about to say anyhow! :) In every situation, someone has put a lot of effort into building relationship. The person (or people) on the other end have been either unresponsive or have been downright hurtful in their response (or lack thereof.) I'm not talking about "too busy for a playdate" kind of stuff. I'm talking about serious damage in relationships; unfortunately, stuff that seems to be part of the human condition.

So often in life, this leads to bitterness, distrust, or a desire to "get even." But we are called to something different. We are called to love, despite what "the other guy" does. We're told to love even our enemies and pray for those who persecute us.

No small task.

So, I've been thinking. When put into this kind of situation, you have several options. But generically, three big ones come to mind:

1. Do nothing in response.

2. Get even.

3. Do the opposite of what the world would expect you to do.

So my mom's idea? "Get Bitter or Get Better." Sometimes we find ourselves suddenly playing a negative "game" with someone that we never intended to play. The object of the game for them? To get you to play a "Bitter" game. In this game, the other person holds all the cards. You find yourself playing the game, getting more and more bitter...something you never intended to do. You wake up one morning and realize you're playing a game you never wished to start. And decide you won't continue.

You decide to play "Better." How does better work? The object of this game is self-improvement. The other person becomes an opportunity rather than an opponent. The rules of the game? To practice unconditional love for the person (whether you feel it or not.) When you give love--even when it's totally rejected--you win. Again, the object of the game is for YOU to work on YOURSELF, rather than to change anything about the situation or the other person.

Are you feeling vindictive? Bitterness is harmful to YOU. If you can find a way to play "Better" rather than "Bitter," you've won the game of self improvement.

"GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY...

to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference."

What Is Balance?

I need to preface this by saying that I need a nap. But I need to write more. I don't often have kid days where I consider pounding my head against the nearest brick wall, but today might be in that category. If you can't relate, I don't want to know.

But on to writing...

First, as background, you must read Reasonable Limits. LOVE this piece. In it, the author talks about striving for balance in her life.

Sometimes I think I'm seriously out of balance. But here's the thing...

I am doing EXACTLY what I want to do with my life. I want a houseful of kids (which, incidentally, says a lot considering my morning!) I want the garden, the healthy cooking/eating, the family time, homeschooling. And, although it's sometimes hard to fit in, I also enjoy the periodic challenge (usually a couple times a month) of working outside the home. It is stressful, but it makes me think in ways that I don't usually get to at home.

But I am BUSY. ALL. THE. TIME. I feel like I always have a "to do" list ten miles long. (Even when I don't have time to make a list, it's still in my head. Last night I even dreamed about one of my friends' moms coming over to help me organize my house. Pathetic, I know.)

Contrary to the article, I do not feel like I'm obsessed with my children in an unhealthy way. That's pretty balanced, I think. (If you're my friend and reading this, let me know if I'm wrong.)

But I totally struggle with what is "reasonable." What is balance? Does the fact that I'm busy all the time mean that something is out of whack?

I mean, come on. Let's look back a few decades. Take the women of the 30s or 40s...they certainly didn't have recreational time. They didn't have all the modern conveniences we do. Just gardening, sewing, cooking, and doing the laundry took up most hours of the day. So were they out of balance?

I relate to the author when she says, "Some people think I do too many things. I feel like I don't do enough." I know there is more I could be growing. Canning. Cooking. Learning. Teaching. Writing. DOING.

I do feel gratitude for the good I'm experiencing, although sometime I have to "feel gratitude" at 100 miles an hour in order to sneak it in. I often think how fortunate I am to have what I've always wanted. Yet I sometimes find myself reading aloud to my kids, thinking about what it is I need to DO next rather than enjoying the moment. I try to live in the present, but it's hard...and the more busy I am, the harder it is.

Like the author, I am HORRIBLE at keeping things organized. Countless stacks of papers and books pile up in my office. My kids gifted me with boxes of their unwanted stuff that I'm supposed to sort--what to garage sale, what to give away, what to keep for younger siblings. I still have piles of adoption paperwork to sort. Homeschool curriculum. Job-related materials. Stuff-n-stuff.

At the moment, it feels worthless to even try. In the time I sort through one pile, GG will create another ten piles. If I stay with him, playing "Clean up, clean up..." we're at least down to minimal GG damage by the end of the day. Though looking around in the late afternoon, I often wonder what DH will think when he walks in the door. "Do I have children or mini tornados?" This letter from a Dr. Laura listener makes me feel slightly better. Slightly.

Yesterday I related so well to the woman who called into your show saying she felt frustrated that she could never get any tasks accomplished. As she spoke my list of 367 things to do ran through my head. I nodded frantically as she spoke the exact feelings of my heart.

You told her "your house is a toy box until the kids are in kindergarten". and then explained that all she needed to worry about was that the health department wouldn't come and take the kids away, there was food on the table, and there were clean clothes to wear but most importantly that she was relating to her children and making sure that they were being cared for and loved. Those words changed my life, they were just what I needed to get all the weight of that giant list off my shoulders. Suddenly I could breathe!!

I excitedly called my husband to tell him and that dear man said to me "that is what I've been trying to tell you. I don't care if there are toys on the floor or if we have left overs for dinner. I care that the kids are happy and most importantly that you are smiling".

Today each time I've felt stressed and overwhelmed I've reminded myself that my home really is a toy box and the two small boys making all the messes are what really matter in life.

But back to the original blog article...

I hugely struggle with decluttering. But here's the thing. I have children ages 3-19. I'm homeschooling. I have a preschooler. I occasionally work from home. Out of necessity (at least perceived), I have a lot of STUFF.

Take yesterday for example.

I have a little basket of eye droppers, film canisters, squirt bottles and mini containers. While I was chopping/freezing produce, I took the basket out, added it to the "doctor kit," grabbed a couple dollies, a dollbed and blankies. The boys had a blast. Eventually, they took it outside so they could do more with the water and less with the doctoring. But they had SO. MUCH. FUN. Yeah, it's "stuff." Yeah, I hardly ever use it. But it was perfect in the moment.


Here's the next piece I relate to:

I seem to have an issue with a skewed idea of what I want to do and what I can actually do in real life. In my mind I wish I could do so many things and just don't have the time. Living with a feeling like I always have an unfinished 'to do' list puts me in a negative situation as I always feel like I'm not measuring up, not doing well because it never is done.

For me it's not so much that I have a skewed idea of what I can get done. (At least I don't think.) It's that I know exactly how much I can get done. Then I fill every little second of that time until there is nothing left. I'm not sure how long a person can continue that route and still call herself "balanced."

Frankly, I have no time to declutter right now. It's all I can do to take care of kids, garden, cook, do laundry, and, yes, WORK.

I feel an urge to rethink "what is reasonable."

So is your life balanced? How'd you manage to get there???

How Happy Are You?

After trying to look busy working hard all morning, I became a total slacker took a rest on the couch and watched Oprah. The topic? Happiness. They presented a short quiz designed to measure your satisfaction with life. Here it is:

Use the 1–7 scale to rate your level of agreement.

1 = Not at all true
7 = Absolutely true

1. In most ways, my life is close to ideal.
2. The conditions of my life are excellent.
3. I am satisfied with my life.
4. So far I have gotten the important things I want in life.
5. If I could live my life over, I would change almost nothing.

They also gave background info on several guests and had the audience guess which of them would score the highest on the happiness scale.

Okay, so you read my blog. You know a little bit about me. What do you think I scored? (If you'd like to individually contact me, perhaps I could share what I think you scored. Or maybe you don't want to know! ;)

I'll post my score in the text below. But meanwhile, a few thoughts...

I can't remember a time in my life where I didn't know what I wanted. From the time that I was very little, I wanted to be a mom. Where that came from, I have no idea. I wasn't a big doll person. I wasn't hugely into babies. But I knew I wanted kids. It definitely stands out in the memory because when my best friend and sister were planning on being multi-billionnaires (how'd that work out? lol!), they were teasing me about my "little white house with a white picket fence" containing TWELVE KIDS. They made up the house part. I assure you that I came up with the twelve kids.

As an adult, the desire for kids didn't go away, but some other things did pop onto my radar. I learned that I loved education, teaching, curriculum, and writing. As a college graduate, my vocational desire (beyond having kids!) was to teach education courses at the college level.

I am now doing some version of both...awaiting child #5 (when I wanted 12 kids I didn't consider my future spouse's viewpoint!) and teaching continuing education courses. When people talk about the importance of determining a life purpose, I feel fortunate because I can't remember ever not knowing. For that I am grateful.

The guest on Oprah, a psychologist who studies happiness, also talked about the problem of "destination addiction," a desire to chase something in the future, thinking that the thing "yet to be achieved/gotten" will bring happiness. I don't think I've ever had that. I don't know why. Is it because I don't care much about "stuff?" Is it because I'm just not very imaginative? ;)

Anyway, I scored 35. Apparently, I am deluded very, very happy.

And I am!

But then why do I enjoy being such a whiner? I enjoy calling up my friends or my mom to complain about this or that. It's fun. Entertaining even. Maybe that's the piece required for sanity when you have 12 four, going on five, kids.

Perhaps my New Year's Resolution should be to shut up share my happiness more.

P.S. I've been dying to learn how to strike. Just one testimony to how puny my brain really is how little it takes to make me happy! ;)

P.P.S. So what are your thoughts on happiness??

'LilDude Grows by Leaps & Bounds

Last week, 'LilDude was invited to the Principal's Recognition Breakfast. He was nominated by his teacher who said, "'LilDude has shown good leadership qualities in our classroom. He is kind and respectful to his classmates and his teacher. He completes his work neatly and quickly each day." At the breakfast, he wasn't quite sure what all the hoopla was about. But several times since then, I've watched him quietly go over to the fridge where his award is posted. He touches the paper and reads it to himself. He has worked so, so hard to overcome his difficult start in life. He has probably also felt the pressure to compete with siblings that are years older than him. For 'LilDude, that piece of paper is proof that someone besides Mom and Dad recognizes his inherent value.

At the beginning of the year I told 'LilDude's teacher that it took most of last year to feel comfortable in preschool and that he was apprehensive about this year. Yesterday at school the teacher took me aside to ask me how he was feeling about the year. He loves school. On a daily basis he talks about how fun it is...well, most of the credit goes to playing Spiderman at recess...but that's to be expected when you're 6. During nighttime prayers he's often prayed, "Thank you that I get to go to school tomorrow."

The teacher said that she wanted me to know that she really meant what she said on his award. She said that 'LilDude is the leader in her classroom. The day he was sick she felt like the classroom wasn't the same, that it was missing a crucial person. She went on to say how other kids look to him to know how to function in class. I told her that his preschool teacher wouldn't recognize him as compared to last year.

All this to say...never, ever underestimate the power of a human being to overcome life's difficulties. All of us have a tremendous capacity to grow & change given the right tools.

Wisdom from an Elder

One of the reasons I most enjoy Sunday School? An older gentleman, probably close to 80, who tells amusing stories and has fascinating reflections on life.

Here's a recent quote...

There's nothing wrong with thinking folks are idiots as long as you recognize your own idiocy.

Thanks, Calvin!

Mindset: The New Psychology of Success

On a friend's recommendation, I read Mindset: The New Psychology of Success. The principle behind the book is very simple, but the book jacket sums it up nicely:

...everyone has one of two basic mindsets. If you have the fixed mindset, you believe that your talents and abilities are set in stone--either you have them or you don't. You must prove yourself over and over, trying to look smart and talented at all costs. This is the path of stagnation. If you have a growth mindset, however, you know that talents can be developed and that great abilities are build over time. This is the path of opportunity--and success.

The author, Carol Dweck, is a PhD researcher in psychology from Stanford. While I agree with the Amazon reviewers who said that the book could have been summarized in a small pamphlet (because the premise is so simple), I read the whole book because I found the examples so fascinating...and because I had a hard time figuring out which mindset I have.

In many ways, I have the fixed mindset. I look at myself and think I have X amount of smarts. Therefore, I will work at X level. I won't work harder than level X because it wouldn't do any good. And I make excuses... If s/he is doing better than I am, it's only because she's smarter than I am. In other words, her success is directly related to her brains. It's so easy to take effort out of the equation.

But then I stop to think about it. If I worked harder, could I achieve more? Yes, I probably could. I've had quite a bit of success in the work world without (to me) a lot of effort. So it makes it feel like I got where I am on smarts, not on effort. But then I look at an author I admire and think, "Man, she got all the breaks..." when in reality, she probably just worked harder. I remember listening to one author speak. She said, "I figured that if I was going to be a doctor, it would take ten years of hard work, learning what I needed to know to do my craft. I was willing to put that ten years in, learning what I needed to be a skilled writer. If after ten years I still hadn't arrived, I figured I could reconsider then."

But the principle applies in so many areas of life. According to Dweck, those with a fixed mindset are quick to write off those who see things differently. So, for example, if I post my opinion on a public forum and people disagree with me, I'll say things to myself like, "Well, they just aren't as smart or as knowledgeable as I am," or "They're just jealous," or "They don't know what they're talking about." In contrast, someone in a growth mindset is able to consider the opinions of others, reflect, and use the information for further growth...all without taking it personally.

The principle also applies to parenting and education. Fixed mindset parents tell their kids, "You're smart." If a child is told "you're smart" too often, they develop the fixed mindset...believing that they have X amount of smarts and should never let anyone see their weaknesses. Therefore, they do exactly what they need to do to show X amount...and not an ounce more. It reminds me of all my years in school. I'd do what it took to get an "A." But not an ounce more.

In contrast, growth mindset parents say, "Wow, you worked really hard on that project." Children learn that people who succeed are people who put in the effort.

I see areas of both fixed and growth mindset in my life. The good news is that Dweck says people can change their fixed mindset. I'm working on it. ;)

I Have a Confession

I have an addiction.

I find it embarrassing to even mention.

It comes in box.

I find myself turning to it at random times throughout the day.

I’m especially vulnerable to its allures when I’m tired. Or when I haven’t seen another adult for hours. Or when I’m bored.

If you haven’t already guessed, it’s tv. Now don’t get me wrong, I don’t have it on all day. But I often flip it on in the morning with the intent of hearing the weather report…and then just happen to leave it on through celebrity woe stories…or the smartest infant in the world story…or the demise of human kind through impending bird flu story. Then I sometimes turn it on while I’m making lunch to “hear the weather” again. Funny how the weather report usually doesn’t change that much between breakfast and lunch. And then I might turn it on again as I’m cooking dinner, just to be alternately entertained and horrified by the guests on Dr. Phil or Oprah.

If I end up doing the dinner dishes, the tv goes on again. My kitchen sink faces a wall, so I excuse my addiction, figuring that looking at the tv is better than looking at nothing. After the kids are in bed, I usually flop on the couch and watch whatever is on. In our house, it’s not much! We don’t have cable or satellite, so the most I can hope for is a piece of someone’s “reality”…which is usually about as far from my “real life” as you can get!

In our house, we have four televisions. The main one is upstairs in our family room. An old color tv is in my husband’s office. We have a little tv/vcr combo in the kitchen that we bought about ten years ago before we took a cross-country trip in the mini-van with our young kids. And, right out of the stone age, is the black and white dinosaur that my husband won in high school. It sits on my office desk and makes very loud crackling noises when I turn it on.

As a television watcher in the U.S., the day of HDD (high definition …whatever that means!) is fast approaching. Since we don’t have cable and don’t intend to, that means we must purchase converter boxes. Since the boxes cost more than most of our televisions are worth, I don’t plan to purchase enough boxes to update all four machines.* What a perfect time to work on my addiction!

When my finger feels the urge to push the “on” button, I am turning to the radio and turning on my favorite classical station. I have loved classical music since I was a child and have always wished that I had more “time” to listen. Amazing how much “time” I suddenly have!

*As a post note...the idea of the amount of garbage that is about to be created by this HDD switch about sends me over the edge. I figure the least I can do is not replace the televisions I'm disposing. I realize that there are "recycling" programs, but I would guess that the sheer number of units will far exceed the capacity to recycle.

The Ego in the Road…

Ever been driving along a country road, sun shining, pink cherry blossoms blooming, only to hear a BANG! THUMP! and realize your peaceful moment was just interrupted by a stinky, dead creature lying in the middle of the road? This weekend, I experienced a series of events that made me realize that my ego sometimes becomes that creature. I didn’t like what I saw.

All parents were required to help with a children’s play production. I didn’t have a strong job preference, but one of the items on the list was “makeup” and since I’d done it as a teacher and a student, I offered to help. A few days before the production, I received a call from the play coordinator saying that they wanted me as a “pair of hands” but that the head make-up mom (HMM) wanted me to understand that she was in charge, that I wasn’t to do anything “artsy” and that I would only be following her instructions. As I didn’t know either the coordinator or the HMM—had never even met the HMM--I thought the request was unusual, but I assured her that I did not want to be in charge and was happy to do whatever she wished.

When I arrived at dress rehearsal, I did exactly as asked. I made-up 5-6 kids, checking with the HMM each time before I excused them; each child was deemed passable. On about child #7, HMM was busy so I excused the child without checking. Child #7 was immediately called back for a little more eye make-up. When I checked with HMM on the next few kids and all was fine, I again tried to release a child who was then called back because he wasn’t “done.”

At this point, you should have seen my ego. It was growing, and GROWing, and GROWING. I was about busting buttons, trying to keep my mouth shut and my ego from spewing all over the room. As any of my friends or family will attest, I LIKE TO BE RIGHT! I do not like to be told that I am wrong. And it takes about every ounce of self-control that I have to keep my mouth shut when I think I’m right!!!!

I didn’t say a word. They wanted my hands, so I kept my hands busy and tried to keep my mouth shut.

After awhile, a mom came in with her son, reflecting aloud on how hard it was to do the “quick change” make-up that was necessary in his role. I casually mentioned that I’d heard that if you wash your face with cold cream prior to make-up that it can help in the removal process. The other mom nodded. HMM looked up from the face she was doing and said, “No. You can’t do that because it will make it so the make-up won’t adhere.” I closed my mouth and put my hands back to work.

But, oh man!!!! My ego wouldn’t quit. The minute I got home, I pulled out my dramatic makeup text and looked it up. I found a paragraph supporting what I’d said, almost word for word.

So there I sat, ego on one shoulder, reason on the other.

Ego: “You should tell her because it would make the production easier for everyone.”

Reason: “No you shouldn’t. It’d just make her mad and she wouldn’t do it anyway.”

Ego: “But I want to be right! I want to look smart! I want to look like I know what I’m doing! I want to be more than a pair of hands.”

Reason: “You are so full of yourself. Be quiet, shut up, and let the HMM have her moment. Why do you have to be right all the time anyway????”

Ego: “You bug me.”

Reason: “You’re like a smelly, dead animal lying in the road.”

I was really ticked at Reason, but in a rare, unusual sign of amity, I let her win.

Performance day was a repeat of rehearsal. I was the hands, HMM was the boss and the brains. It was all I could do to keep BFE (big fat ego) in check.

In Sunday School the next day, I shared my story in a conversation about people’s desire for power and control. I wasn’t a bit proud of the feelings that the experience had brought up for me. I so, so badly wanted to be the boss, the one in control, the one who was right. I really appreciated one response…”If you had pushed your agenda—if you’d spewed—if you would have made being right the most important thing—it would have been an act of violence against that person.”

It was a lightbulb moment. My ego and its incessant need to be right…at whatever cost…is a form of violence against others. It is the dead, smelly thing lying in the middle of a beautiful country road.

P.S. I have no reason to believe that HMM would ever come across my blog. But if you do, I honestly enjoyed working with you and you taught me more about myself than I’ve probably learned in the last few years. I appreciate it.