Sunday, May 31, 2009

Despair with Daddy

I guess things are going as well as can be expected. He's sleeping okay as long as I lay down with him and don't leave the bed. But he isn't really that happy to be with's more like I'm the only half-way acceptable option at the moment. This morning I wore him in the Ergo for a couple hours. I put on Chinese children's music and danced around (as I did a couple days ago when he loved it) and he hit at me and lunged to the side, trying to get down. He refuses to let me feed him anything, so that's not a "bonding moment." He wants me, but he only wants me cause I'm the least offensive person around. Lizzi and Anakin are also pretty appealing. But he detests having anything to do with Dh. When Dh takes him, he screams (sometimes ear piercing) and cries. We aren't sure what to do. We want to help him through his grief, but aren't sure that catering to unreasonable demands (like never touching Daddy) is helping anything. BigSis came home for the first time this morning and he wants nothing to do with her. Yesterday he did say "ni hao" to a few visitors, as long as they kept their distance.

And on the question of whether it helps to hear Chinese? Well, we're finding the answer is "not really." Yesterday my friend Doris came over with her Chinese-born daughter, Anna. Doris lived in Beijing for 3 years and can speak a little Mandarin. Doris will have to reply for herself, but my take on it was that he noticeably pulled back when she spoke to him in Chinese. Later he was trying to interact with her some (handing her toys so that she could say their names), but when she'd ask him questions, he'd look away and not respond. Although he did respond to two things by shaking his head no. "Did you like the plane ride?" And "Your Mommy & Daddy are good." Apparently, he disagrees with both.

We are very grateful for the meals we've received (thanks, Vonnie and Doris!) as it's near to impossible to get anything done at the moment. He is very much like an infant as far as needing supervision, but he moves at 100 miles an hour. So if I sit down for a moment to use the "facilities," it's sorta dangerous as I don't know how quickly he can get to another dangerous spot. I've learned not to use the screendoor as he will open it himself, going in if we're out and going out if we're in. Luckily, he can't open the sliding glass door by himself.

It's fascinating to watch him learning about things for the first time. He always points when he sees a bird and is particularly smitten with bluejays. I doubt that he's seen many birds close up. Sarah (the dog) has become a favorite; I've heard him saying "Wo Ai Ni Sarah" several times when he's alone with her. ("I love you, Sarah.") We haven't gotten any WoAiNi's, so she' obviously rates in his world. He doesn't react in any particular way to the grass, but I know it's new to him and he does seem delighted to run across the yard. He loves baths (bathtub is new to him), especially playing with Caleb and all the bathtoys.

He does look happy most of the time. Mostly if he's getting what he wants. I've had to tell him "no" to repeated requests for gum and chips. But he's fairly happy if he can be loose outside in the sandbox or on the swingset. He is eating well and absolutely INHALED the congee that Doris brought over.

Yesterday we got a new kitten. At the moment, they're all out playing with it. I hear no screaming, so perhaps he's made peace with Daddy. For the moment.

1 comment:

Yoli said...

Be patient with him and no, you are not catering to him, you are doing what you are suppossed to be doing. This is very hard on him, very confusing. You are doing wonderful by wearing him, no matter how much he kicks and screams. Also, do holding time. My daughter grieved pretty hard but it was that same capacity for grief that we knew that she would one day bond. It is too early to think he will bond in a couple of weeks. Too early to force anything. Go easy, be consistent and above all, be gentle with yourself. You are doing the best you can.

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