Saturday, May 30, 2009

Grief

This grief is deep. I didn't really expect less, but this is hard to watch.

Last night I put GG to bed. He went willingly to our bed, alone, but with the door open and hall lights on. I went across the hall to read to LilDude and put him to bed. When I came out, GG was sitting on the floor of my room, near the door, quietly sobbing. The clock radio had been turned on. At first I didn't know if he was sobbing because he'd turned the radio on and couldn't turn it off or because he was just generally sad. It became apparent it was the latter.

I carried him around and tried to console him. He just cried and cried. Dh tried to help. More crying. We finally put on the Adoptive Parent Chinese Phrases CD and played a bunch of different phrases. "Are you sad?" "Does anything hurt?" Etc. No reaction whatsoever. I gave him a bottle and got occasional eye contact. He was very constipated earlier in the day so I decided that maybe that was a problem. So I gave him a suppository and we sat around to wait. It took a LONG time to work. He played for awhile which seemed to cheer him up. He was sitting on my lap when the suppository suddenly worked WELL (too well!) By this time it was about 10pm (he'd gone to bed the first time around 8), so I tried to put him in bed again. This time I lay with him for 10 minutes or so until he fell asleep. I thought that was it.

I stayed up another hour or so working on the computer. Then Anakin came walking down the hall, carrying a sobbing GG. I don't know how long he was sitting there crying, but he again had woken up and was crying hard (but quietly) in the doorway. This time I went to bed with him. He continued to sob and tried to sit up, away from me. I pulled him into my arms and held him while he sobbed more. When Dh came to bed, he made the mistake of removing Dora (GG's 2.5' doll) from the bed, thinking GG was now fine since the sobs had tapered off. Dora set everything off again. He finally went to sleep with one arm holding me down on the bed.

I had dreams about being pinned down. I woke up thinking GG was halfway laying on me, keeping me from leaving the bed. Although this was true early in the night, when I regained consciousness in the middle of the night I figured out that it was actually Dora pinning me down. Dora got the boot.

GG slept the rest of the night and is still in bed with Dh as we speak. (9am)

Pray for GG's little heart. He is so, so sad.

3 comments:

Teddi said...

Prayers for GG and for you as you minister to his wounded heart. It's just so very hard, for all of you.

Jennifer said...

Thinking about you all.

ztwhite said...

Have been reading your blog from China and this one also. Wow-what an experience you have had with GG! We were in Nanning at end of Oct 08 to receive our DD Alexa who was 21 months old. She had been in foster care for over a year and was quite upset on the "gotcha day" similar to your GG! Not a DVD moment then with her meltdown. While she bonded well with me, she took time to bond with DH. We have had her for 7 months now, and she just loves her daddy now! So cute! Adopting a toddler is so different from adopting an infant. Different issues. Especially the grieving that you so describe. Our DD was grieving in China, and for awhile at home. And when she awakes, she really needs one of us to be near her for security during those waking moments. Your stories from China and now, are so very poignant and touching. Your write so well about what it is like. Nice that you have other siblings in your family to help GG heal along his journey. Would love to share more with you on both of our journeys with our children. If you wish to email, my email is: ztwhite@telus.net
We are Canadians in BC and our DD is our first and only child. From your description of "Jane" from Holt, think we had her as a travel guide as well. She helped us with getting laundry done by a fellow who delivered it (not the hotel) and arranged for a case of bottled water to the hotel room. She took us through Remin Park. We stayed at Guangxi Wharton International Hotel which was a very nice place next to Nanhu Park which was lovely for tranquil walks so needed during that first week of bonding. Ergo carrier helped and we did use a stroller also while in Beijing. Be great to hear from you. Zoe

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