Still Sad...

When one loses one's entire family, it makes sense to still be sad almost 6 months later. But that doesn't make it any easier to watch.

This weekend the guide from GG's province is coming to our home for a visit. I showed GG her photo and a little video clip to remind him of who she is and to explain that she is visiting but he is STAYING HERE. While we looked at her photo, he got the familiar blank, faraway look that I've learned to equate with grief. Then he wiped away invisible tears and asked to see more photos from China. As we looked at the pictures, his eyes gradually became more wet until a few drops ran down his cheeks. He continued to ask to see photos for several more minutes, including the "sad" ones from the day we visited his foster family. When it became too much, he looked away and said he was done. It's the saddest I've seen him in a couple months. I kept telling him that it's okay to cry; that he has good reason to be sad and that crying might help him to feel better. Not sure how much of my message was understood.

Last night (before any mention of the impending visit), he woke up crying. It happened again this evening. Twice.

I wish I could do something to erase his pain. He's three. This isn't fair.

China Foster Care

GG received incredible care from a very loving foster family for his first three years in China. Until recently, I believed that his foster placement was financed by our adoption agency and the Chinese government. (Information we were given in China led us to believe this.) Then, through a series of fortunate internet connections, we discovered that his foster care was supported by a private, non-profit agency. The "U.S. arm" of the agency, Grace and Hope, hooked us up with his actual sponsor in Scotland, Hope 4 China. Grace and Hope is sending us information (photos, reports, etc.) from GG's past that they collected and sent to the people who sponsored him. We are so excited to be able to get a few more glimpses into his past.

But that's not the reason for my post.

I know there are a lot of "good causes" out there, but if you're looking for one that will make a huge difference in the life of a child, consider sponsoring a child in foster care. Grace and Hope's website includes a photo listing of children who currently need sponsorship in order to move them OUT OF THE ORPHANAGE and INTO FOSTER FAMILIES. I cannot fathom how different GG's life would have been if he had spent the past three years living in an orphanage with ever-changing caregivers. Instead, he has a whole family in China who love him intensely.

To put it in perspective, I've been thinking about what a month of foster care is equivalent to:

* a tank of gas
* a mail order child's Halloween costume
* a Wii game (a Wii "Starter Set" pays for almost a year of foster care!)
* one meal for our family to eat out
* a family night at the movies (probably without popcorn!)
* one family trip to a museum
* photo Christmas cards
* the stamps for mailing Christmas cards

Kinda crazy when you think about it. I'm happy to forgo the Wii. Thrilled to invent our own Halloween costumes (or reuse the ones we have.) What "extras" in our comfortable N.American lives can we trade in so that more kids can have the amazing start that GG had?

BTW, it would have been excruciatingly difficult to choose a child to sponsor off that photo listing if not for one thing. A name. Many of you know that our niece, Selah, died a little over a year ago, just four months after being adopted as a newborn. So when we saw a Chinese baby from GG's orphanage who'd been named "Selah," it was a no-brainer. What are the chances? :)

P.S. If you'd like to help children from GG's orphanage, look for Guangxi: Nanning.

Honey Baked Chicken

It's a miracle! I found another food that GG will eat. Actually, inhale!

Honey-Baked Chicken is a longtime family favorite from the More With Less Cookbook. I haven't made it in ages. Why? Well, in my less-frugal days, I'd buy chicken breasts and just plop 'em in the baking dish. These days I actually have to CUT UP a chicken. Horrors. I got out my trusty Betty Crocker and tried to follow the photos. It worked. Sorta. Tasted good, despite how the rib bones de-connected from the leg bones. [Hum along if you know the song. And, yes, I realize that rib bones aren't actually connected to leg bones. Um, I don't think.]

Anywhoo...this recipe is awesome and GG loved it. What more could one ask?? (Today at lunch we ate it for leftovers and he kept nabbing chunks of chicken from MY plate.)

Honey-Baked Chicken
from More With Less Cookbook

Preheat oven, 350.

Arrange in baking pan:

1, 3lb fryer, cut up
(If you cheat and use chicken breasts, that'll work, too...but it might make me jealous. And forget that idea if you have a newly-arrived 3yo from China; he only wants dark meat and/or skin.)

Combine and pour over:

1/3 c. margarine, melted (I use less and sub in some butter)
1/3 c. honey
2 T. prepared mustard
1 t. salt
1 t. curry powder

Bake 1 1/4 hours, basting every 15 minutes, til chicken is tender and nicely browned. (I just turn chicken pieces over. And over. And over. When I remember.) Serve with rice; my family loves to pour the juicy stuff over the rice.

As Good as Grandma's? (NYNS #6)

After I cleaned off a counter, LilDude said this about our home:

"Pretty soon ours is going to be as good as Grandma's."

[pause]

"Although that's kind of hard to beat!"

Homeschool Hooky with Purpose

Confession time...

Homeschooling my 7yo.

Have Master's in Education.

And we've done almost no school so far this year. Extremely minimal.

I LOVE the fact that homeschool means I can give my kids what they need the most. And what my youngest two need right now is time to bond to each other and to me. So that's what we do. We stay home, going almost no where. They play outdoors pretty much every day for as long as possible. Yesterday it was around 60 and sunny and they played outside almost the entire day. They ran. Made stick houses on the back berm. Played with the dog. Ate broccoli from the stalks left in the garden. Soaked up the vitamin D.

I LOVE it that they're doing what they need to do the most. As I write this, the wind and rain are picking up. I look forward to more days of snuggling on the couch with a pile of books. Doing math with 'LilDude while GG plays with the manipulatives right along side us.

I love my life.

Deep, deep sigh of contentment. :)

How to Reuse an Empty Altoids Tin (NYNS #5)

Still decluttering. :)

I don't actually buy Altoids. But I have a bunch of tins saved from a long ago project. Here is an awesome list: How to Reuse an Empty Altoids Tin

God and Adoption

Here's some heavy stuff to chew on:

* the "cultural" advantage
* God adopted us, so adoption is good - right?
* Rescued from Buddhism: A brief history of the Christian adoption movement

In the interest of honesty, I'll tell you two things...

1. I am uncomfortable with the current promotion of adoption from within the Christian community. I'm not ready (or perhaps able) to articulate why. But I do not equate God's adoption of humanity to the adoption of children. Third Mom says is better than I can:

But the "Christian adoption movement," which some Christians claim has been given God’s approval because he “adopted” us, has become something unto itself. When you read the sites of those who promote it, you find that it no longer has anything to do Christ or Christianity or Christ-like behavior, but instead is all about pounding the point home that because that because there are five references to God's adoption of humanity in the Bible, we should all go out and adopt. Those who do adopt get a kind of theological atta-boy: See we adopted an orphan, and since God adopted us this is a good thing and we’re good people!

I do believe that God brought these children into our lives. But the path to get here wasn't all sunshine and roses. And just because I believe that God brought us together does not mean that this arrangement was God's first choice. This, to me, is not the stuff of theological back patting.

2. GG came to us wearing a jade Buddha. I removed it. Felt guilty. We're saving it for him along with other keepsakes from China. Why did I take it off? That's hard to articulate as well. One is easy. I actually thought it was rather tight, pokey, and had the potential to choke him as he slept. But it also didn't match our belief system; growing up in our home, he will be raised as a Christian. I couldn't raise him Buddhist even if I wanted to. No more than I could raise him Chinese. I'm neither Buddhist, nor Chinese. I honor his past. I respect it. But I don't have the ability to continue it. I can only be the best third mother I can with the knowledge I have.

I know that makes some people really angry. "You shouldn't adopt if you aren't going to uphold _____________(from his past)." But I can't.

What I can do, however, is work mightily to respect his past.

If one of my children was adopted to China, I wouldn't expect the new Chinese family to teach the child my belief system. But I would expect them to show respect for his past with me.

Tough stuff.

Ripening Green Tomatoes

I collected a box of green tomatoes from the garden before we plowed it under. I was planning to wrap each tomato in newspaper to slowly ripen. Owlhaven says she does this successfully and has tomatoes til Christmas. I tried it last year and ended up with quite a few rotten ones. Granted, I may not have had the best tomatoes to begin with, but it felt like more work than it was worth.

This time I put the box in the garage, basically forgotten. They were piled on top of one another, not individually wrapped. Yesterday I brought in gorgeous Romas to chop for taco toppings. They couldn't have been any nicer. They went from fully green to totally red in a couple weeks. The remainder of the box is still in various stages of green-orange-red. No noticeable rot. So far, I'm glad I was too lazy busy to wrap them. Think I'll just leave 'em sitting out and see what happens.

Happy Now!

In the last couple weeks, I've heard this repeated almost daily from GG, age 3.5:

"GG** China

Cry, cry.
(Then he wipes his eyes and pretends to cry.)

Miss NaiNai. Miss Ayi.

GG** HAPPY now!!!!!"

**Although he uses his new name, J_____.

Facing Someone's Indifference, Hostility, or Arrogance???

To go along with the last post, a quote:

To realize that behind an indifferent or hostile or arrogant facade another person is struggling just to claim a place in the world, a place they do not really believe they deserve - this blows our superior attitude to smithereens. (C. Terry Warner)

Get Bitter or Play Better

My mom is one of the smartest people I know. She'll also forgive me if I steal some of her thoughts and lay them out in public.

In the last week or so, I've felt increasingly bummed about several situations in my life. (If you know me in "real life" don't think this is you or presume you know what I'm talking about...cause you'd never guess...there are multiple situations, including some that don't directly affect me...and it doesn't matter in the scope of what I'm about to say anyhow! :) In every situation, someone has put a lot of effort into building relationship. The person (or people) on the other end have been either unresponsive or have been downright hurtful in their response (or lack thereof.) I'm not talking about "too busy for a playdate" kind of stuff. I'm talking about serious damage in relationships; unfortunately, stuff that seems to be part of the human condition.

So often in life, this leads to bitterness, distrust, or a desire to "get even." But we are called to something different. We are called to love, despite what "the other guy" does. We're told to love even our enemies and pray for those who persecute us.

No small task.

So, I've been thinking. When put into this kind of situation, you have several options. But generically, three big ones come to mind:

1. Do nothing in response.

2. Get even.

3. Do the opposite of what the world would expect you to do.

So my mom's idea? "Get Bitter or Get Better." Sometimes we find ourselves suddenly playing a negative "game" with someone that we never intended to play. The object of the game for them? To get you to play a "Bitter" game. In this game, the other person holds all the cards. You find yourself playing the game, getting more and more bitter...something you never intended to do. You wake up one morning and realize you're playing a game you never wished to start. And decide you won't continue.

You decide to play "Better." How does better work? The object of this game is self-improvement. The other person becomes an opportunity rather than an opponent. The rules of the game? To practice unconditional love for the person (whether you feel it or not.) When you give love--even when it's totally rejected--you win. Again, the object of the game is for YOU to work on YOURSELF, rather than to change anything about the situation or the other person.

Are you feeling vindictive? Bitterness is harmful to YOU. If you can find a way to play "Better" rather than "Bitter," you've won the game of self improvement.

"GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY...

to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference."

Adopting From a Disruption or Dissolution

"Disruption" is a term used to describe the termination of an adoption before it's legally complete. "Dissolution" refers to adoption termination after it's been legally finalized.

Either way, it's sad.

I've considered adopting a child whose adoption was being dissolved/disrupted. I've also done therapeutic respite for children with reactive attachment disorder (RAD.) When someone posted a question about adopting children out of disruption, I started thinking...

My first and foremost concern is that prospective parents understand what it means to parent a hurt child. Not all children coming out of a dissolution are going to have severe issues, but they may. And just as a parent should not adopt a child with significant physical special needs without doing research into the condition, neither should a parent consider adopting a child out of disruption without extensive research. Off the top of my head, here are some of the things I'd consider:

*talk to a family (or several) who has disrupted. (One prominent example is Nancy Spoolstra (of ATN) who has both dissolved an adoption and adopted more than one child from a dissolution. She can see both sides of the issue.)

*talk to a therapist who specializes in RAD

*only consider an adoption of this sort if you already have the professionals in place to treat the child. I know of families who've been forced to dissolve adoptions because their STATE had NO ONE who could treat the child's issues. I know families who've gone out of state for treatment and eventually run out of options.

*can you handle it financially? RAD therapy can run $150-$200 or more per session. Kids with significant issues may need weekly therapy. Insurance may or may not cover it. I'd want to know it ahead of time.

* I would never consider an adoption like this out of birth order. I would want my youngest child to be SIGNIFICANTLY older than the child coming into the family.

*I would want to remember that chances are that what I see upon meeting the child...and perhaps even for weeks or months...may not be the "real child"...and that the true "issues" may not emerge for a very, very long time. "What you see" (initially) may not be "what you get." Decisions probably shouldn't be made based on initial meetings with the child.

*I would want to consider my own history. My "buttons." Will I be okay parenting a child who may consistently push me away or do everything s/he can to be unlikeable? If you have unresolved issues of your own, the child is likely to push those buttons. If you have unfinished "self-work" the child will be happy to help you find what it is that ails you.

And, I think if you aren't nervous, then something is wrong. You should be. But if you can answer the above questions and feel like it's something you are capable of doing, consider it. These children need loving, endlessly patient, compassionate parents who will fight for their hearts. And I know nothing more worthwhile than fighting for the heart of a child.

Why Are You Hot?

GG sits near me in the kitchen. He says, "I'm hot."

I say, "I'm hot, too. Why are you hot?"

"Ummmm, because...(pauses, then in imitation of the Michael Jackson song)...I'm bad, I'm bad..."

That's what less than five months of English does to a three-year-old. :)

Processed Food is Less Expensive?!?

This article really bothers me. Why do so many people believe that it's cheaper to eat processed foods? It isn't. How can we help more people to understand?

Incidentally, I'm no food saint. I've evolved. From the days dating my future husband, when I thought it was amazing that he could put together a meal of hamburger helper and canned green beans. Then to our early marriage when I cooked cream-of-soup casseroles and thought I was cooking from scratch. To these days when the bulk of what we eat is either grown in our own garden or in our local community.

We've changed.

Pakistani Kima (or easy hamburger curry)

This recipe from the More With Less Cookbook is a staple at our house. And although our garden is long gone (cover crop is already growing!), I'm still using up tomatoes that continue to ripen. In this recipe, I substituted chopped garden tomatoes for cooked.

Pakistani Kima
from More With Less Cookbook

Saute in skillet:
3 T. oil (I use olive or coconut)
1 c. chopped onion (or less)
1 clove garlic, minced

Add
1 lb hamburger

Brown well. Stir in:
1 T. curry powder
1 1/2 t. salt
dash: pepper, cinnamon, ginger, tumeric (this combination is awesome!)
2 c. cooked tomatoes (I use garden, frozen, or canned)
2 potatoes, diced (I usually add more potatoes and a little extra liquid)
2 c. frozen peas or green beans

Cover and simmer 25 minutes. Serve over rice.