God and Adoption

Here's some heavy stuff to chew on:

* the "cultural" advantage
* God adopted us, so adoption is good - right?
* Rescued from Buddhism: A brief history of the Christian adoption movement

In the interest of honesty, I'll tell you two things...

1. I am uncomfortable with the current promotion of adoption from within the Christian community. I'm not ready (or perhaps able) to articulate why. But I do not equate God's adoption of humanity to the adoption of children. Third Mom says is better than I can:

But the "Christian adoption movement," which some Christians claim has been given God’s approval because he “adopted” us, has become something unto itself. When you read the sites of those who promote it, you find that it no longer has anything to do Christ or Christianity or Christ-like behavior, but instead is all about pounding the point home that because that because there are five references to God's adoption of humanity in the Bible, we should all go out and adopt. Those who do adopt get a kind of theological atta-boy: See we adopted an orphan, and since God adopted us this is a good thing and we’re good people!

I do believe that God brought these children into our lives. But the path to get here wasn't all sunshine and roses. And just because I believe that God brought us together does not mean that this arrangement was God's first choice. This, to me, is not the stuff of theological back patting.

2. GG came to us wearing a jade Buddha. I removed it. Felt guilty. We're saving it for him along with other keepsakes from China. Why did I take it off? That's hard to articulate as well. One is easy. I actually thought it was rather tight, pokey, and had the potential to choke him as he slept. But it also didn't match our belief system; growing up in our home, he will be raised as a Christian. I couldn't raise him Buddhist even if I wanted to. No more than I could raise him Chinese. I'm neither Buddhist, nor Chinese. I honor his past. I respect it. But I don't have the ability to continue it. I can only be the best third mother I can with the knowledge I have.

I know that makes some people really angry. "You shouldn't adopt if you aren't going to uphold _____________(from his past)." But I can't.

What I can do, however, is work mightily to respect his past.

If one of my children was adopted to China, I wouldn't expect the new Chinese family to teach the child my belief system. But I would expect them to show respect for his past with me.

Tough stuff.

Ripening Green Tomatoes

I collected a box of green tomatoes from the garden before we plowed it under. I was planning to wrap each tomato in newspaper to slowly ripen. Owlhaven says she does this successfully and has tomatoes til Christmas. I tried it last year and ended up with quite a few rotten ones. Granted, I may not have had the best tomatoes to begin with, but it felt like more work than it was worth.

This time I put the box in the garage, basically forgotten. They were piled on top of one another, not individually wrapped. Yesterday I brought in gorgeous Romas to chop for taco toppings. They couldn't have been any nicer. They went from fully green to totally red in a couple weeks. The remainder of the box is still in various stages of green-orange-red. No noticeable rot. So far, I'm glad I was too lazy busy to wrap them. Think I'll just leave 'em sitting out and see what happens.

Happy Now!

In the last couple weeks, I've heard this repeated almost daily from GG, age 3.5:

"GG** China

Cry, cry.
(Then he wipes his eyes and pretends to cry.)

Miss NaiNai. Miss Ayi.

GG** HAPPY now!!!!!"

**Although he uses his new name, J_____.

Facing Someone's Indifference, Hostility, or Arrogance???

To go along with the last post, a quote:

To realize that behind an indifferent or hostile or arrogant facade another person is struggling just to claim a place in the world, a place they do not really believe they deserve - this blows our superior attitude to smithereens. (C. Terry Warner)

Get Bitter or Play Better

My mom is one of the smartest people I know. She'll also forgive me if I steal some of her thoughts and lay them out in public.

In the last week or so, I've felt increasingly bummed about several situations in my life. (If you know me in "real life" don't think this is you or presume you know what I'm talking about...cause you'd never guess...there are multiple situations, including some that don't directly affect me...and it doesn't matter in the scope of what I'm about to say anyhow! :) In every situation, someone has put a lot of effort into building relationship. The person (or people) on the other end have been either unresponsive or have been downright hurtful in their response (or lack thereof.) I'm not talking about "too busy for a playdate" kind of stuff. I'm talking about serious damage in relationships; unfortunately, stuff that seems to be part of the human condition.

So often in life, this leads to bitterness, distrust, or a desire to "get even." But we are called to something different. We are called to love, despite what "the other guy" does. We're told to love even our enemies and pray for those who persecute us.

No small task.

So, I've been thinking. When put into this kind of situation, you have several options. But generically, three big ones come to mind:

1. Do nothing in response.

2. Get even.

3. Do the opposite of what the world would expect you to do.

So my mom's idea? "Get Bitter or Get Better." Sometimes we find ourselves suddenly playing a negative "game" with someone that we never intended to play. The object of the game for them? To get you to play a "Bitter" game. In this game, the other person holds all the cards. You find yourself playing the game, getting more and more bitter...something you never intended to do. You wake up one morning and realize you're playing a game you never wished to start. And decide you won't continue.

You decide to play "Better." How does better work? The object of this game is self-improvement. The other person becomes an opportunity rather than an opponent. The rules of the game? To practice unconditional love for the person (whether you feel it or not.) When you give love--even when it's totally rejected--you win. Again, the object of the game is for YOU to work on YOURSELF, rather than to change anything about the situation or the other person.

Are you feeling vindictive? Bitterness is harmful to YOU. If you can find a way to play "Better" rather than "Bitter," you've won the game of self improvement.

"GOD GRANT ME THE SERENITY...

to accept the things I cannot change,

the courage to change the things I can,

and the wisdom to know the difference."

Adopting From a Disruption or Dissolution

"Disruption" is a term used to describe the termination of an adoption before it's legally complete. "Dissolution" refers to adoption termination after it's been legally finalized.

Either way, it's sad.

I've considered adopting a child whose adoption was being dissolved/disrupted. I've also done therapeutic respite for children with reactive attachment disorder (RAD.) When someone posted a question about adopting children out of disruption, I started thinking...

My first and foremost concern is that prospective parents understand what it means to parent a hurt child. Not all children coming out of a dissolution are going to have severe issues, but they may. And just as a parent should not adopt a child with significant physical special needs without doing research into the condition, neither should a parent consider adopting a child out of disruption without extensive research. Off the top of my head, here are some of the things I'd consider:

*talk to a family (or several) who has disrupted. (One prominent example is Nancy Spoolstra (of ATN) who has both dissolved an adoption and adopted more than one child from a dissolution. She can see both sides of the issue.)

*talk to a therapist who specializes in RAD

*only consider an adoption of this sort if you already have the professionals in place to treat the child. I know of families who've been forced to dissolve adoptions because their STATE had NO ONE who could treat the child's issues. I know families who've gone out of state for treatment and eventually run out of options.

*can you handle it financially? RAD therapy can run $150-$200 or more per session. Kids with significant issues may need weekly therapy. Insurance may or may not cover it. I'd want to know it ahead of time.

* I would never consider an adoption like this out of birth order. I would want my youngest child to be SIGNIFICANTLY older than the child coming into the family.

*I would want to remember that chances are that what I see upon meeting the child...and perhaps even for weeks or months...may not be the "real child"...and that the true "issues" may not emerge for a very, very long time. "What you see" (initially) may not be "what you get." Decisions probably shouldn't be made based on initial meetings with the child.

*I would want to consider my own history. My "buttons." Will I be okay parenting a child who may consistently push me away or do everything s/he can to be unlikeable? If you have unresolved issues of your own, the child is likely to push those buttons. If you have unfinished "self-work" the child will be happy to help you find what it is that ails you.

And, I think if you aren't nervous, then something is wrong. You should be. But if you can answer the above questions and feel like it's something you are capable of doing, consider it. These children need loving, endlessly patient, compassionate parents who will fight for their hearts. And I know nothing more worthwhile than fighting for the heart of a child.

Why Are You Hot?

GG sits near me in the kitchen. He says, "I'm hot."

I say, "I'm hot, too. Why are you hot?"

"Ummmm, because...(pauses, then in imitation of the Michael Jackson song)...I'm bad, I'm bad..."

That's what less than five months of English does to a three-year-old. :)

Processed Food is Less Expensive?!?

This article really bothers me. Why do so many people believe that it's cheaper to eat processed foods? It isn't. How can we help more people to understand?

Incidentally, I'm no food saint. I've evolved. From the days dating my future husband, when I thought it was amazing that he could put together a meal of hamburger helper and canned green beans. Then to our early marriage when I cooked cream-of-soup casseroles and thought I was cooking from scratch. To these days when the bulk of what we eat is either grown in our own garden or in our local community.

We've changed.

Pakistani Kima (or easy hamburger curry)

This recipe from the More With Less Cookbook is a staple at our house. And although our garden is long gone (cover crop is already growing!), I'm still using up tomatoes that continue to ripen. In this recipe, I substituted chopped garden tomatoes for cooked.

Pakistani Kima
from More With Less Cookbook

Saute in skillet:
3 T. oil (I use olive or coconut)
1 c. chopped onion (or less)
1 clove garlic, minced

Add
1 lb hamburger

Brown well. Stir in:
1 T. curry powder
1 1/2 t. salt
dash: pepper, cinnamon, ginger, tumeric (this combination is awesome!)
2 c. cooked tomatoes (I use garden, frozen, or canned)
2 potatoes, diced (I usually add more potatoes and a little extra liquid)
2 c. frozen peas or green beans

Cover and simmer 25 minutes. Serve over rice.

Easy Corn Chowder

Favorite recipe from my "college family"...

Corn Chowder

3 medium potatoes, diced
1 stalk celery, chopped
1 medium onion, chopped (I use 1/2 onion)

Add water to almost cover and cook til tender, about 15 minutes.

2 c. corn (I use frozen, thawed)
1, 12 oz can evaporated milk (I use regular)
3/4 t. salt
1/4 t. pepper

Add the above. Heat to boiling again.

2 T. cornstarch
1/4 c. cold water

Dissolve together. Add to soup, stirring til thickened. (I didn't do this yesterday and it was thick enough without it.) Fry/crumble 3 strips bacon and sprinkle over top before serving.

Easy, economical and good!

Halloween Candy Alternatives! (NYNS #4)

While I'm thrilled to declutter, I'm not happy to add to the landfill. So, as I yell and scream and try to unjam my junk drawer clean, I'm looking for new ways to make use of our stuff.

This morning, as I emptied my "junk drawer" (got one of those?), a thought occurred to me. Halloween is coming. Although I'm not so miserly(?), smart(?) that I neglect to buy candy, I'm also not all that thrilled about handing out so much CORN SYRUP. I admire our neighbor. Instead of loads of candy, she makes "goody bags" consisting of crayons, coloring books, and other consumables. So what does that have to do with me?

Well, in the process of cleaning, I kept running across decorative erasers. Lots of 'em. In new condition. Then, while cleaning out another cabinet, I discovered my 19-year-old's abandoned pencil collection. Also new. I even found one pencil with the $3 Disneyland price tag still attached.

So....

If you come to my house for Halloween this year, there will be three baskets: candy, erasers, and pencils.

But then I started thinking... What if those of us with a bazillion McD's toys provided a basket of those on Halloween? (Although we no longer subject ourselves to UnH*ppy Food, I found an unopened toy when I was cleaning out a cupboard. Once you get one in the house, they mutate.) I've got an entire baggie of little bouncy balls. What do you have in abundance? And, even better, what can you pass on to someone else to enjoy...all while saving stuff from the landfill?

From now 'til Halloween, I'm lookin'!!!!!

One gal's junk is her next door neighbor's kid's treasure.

Meal Plan-October 19-24, 2009

Just starting to break into the canning jars and freezer...

Monday
Breakfast: G/F Butternut Squash/Chocolate Chip Muffins (so good!), eggs
Dinner: Corn Chowder (will post tomorrow), Green Salad with Autumn Fruit

Tuesday
Dinner: Pakistani Kima (an easy hamburger curry from More With Less Cookbook, p. 131...great use for tomatoes/potatoes), Sweet Vegetables (butternut squash/coconut milk)

Wednesday
Dinner: Anakin's Favorite Green Beans & Sausage over noodles

Thursday
Dinner: leftovers

Friday
Dinner: more leftovers!

Saturday
Turkey Dinner! (Need to use up the turkeys in the freezer before Thanksgiving is here!) Turkey, mashed potatoes, gravy, stuffing, cranberry sauce, cheesy cauliflower, green beans, raspberry applesauce jello

Growing Celery & Raised Beds for Fall

I wrote about celery a few months ago. Since then, I've learned a few more things.

Celery is at it's best in spring/fall and into early winter. In the summertime it goes to seed and the stalks get tough and inedible. A couple months ago I thought I'd need to replant and start over. But I hacked it off at the base of the stems and hoped for the best. And today it's fresh, crispy, and perfect for chopping/freezing in bags for the winter.

And despite planting only a month ago, the spinach, kale, and mustard are doing fantastic. I put the window covers back on a few weeks ago and they're loving the warmth.

Start with the WORST! Organize Counter/Toys (NYNS #3)

I decided to start with one of the worst-offending junk-heaps in my home...the counter. I don't know if every home has one of these, but it's the place where everyone deposits either:

1. stuff that they're taking with them the next day: wallets, purses, sunglasses, coupons, store items to return, etc.

2. things that need to be repaired

3. misc stuff that needs to be put away


In our case, the counter has cabinets beneath that held little-used china. I moved the china and replaced it with dedicated bins. I hope to retrain the fam. "Hope" being the key word. (I've emptied this surface repeatedly, only to have someone cover it with junk again. Hopefully, the new storage area RIGHT BENEATH will eliminate the problem.)


I also went on to tackle the toy bins. (Remember...worst first...cause it makes you feel good, is obvious, and shows quick progress!) Bins are awesome...but only when they store things the kids actually use; I eliminated close to half. (You're seeing the before picture...in the "after" picture, several bins are empty.) If your kids are like mine, they spend about 90% of their time playing with about 20% of their toys. If it's out and hasn't been utilized recently, it's GONE.

Desk Clean Out (NYNS #2)

I don't open two of my desk drawers. Ever. Which accounts for the stickers that are no longer sticky. The four, five, SIX packs of index tabs (now rubberbanded together so I don't lose them and buy more!) Disks that go with a computer I stopped using about 12 years ago. Five rolls of scotch tape. Passwords to a bazillion different websites. (Yikes! My secret is out. Now if YOU can figure out which passwords go to which websites, you'll be able to masquerade as me...cause I sure don't know what they go to!)

Clean out your desk lately? What's the weirdest thing you found? The thing you have multiple copies of and will never need to purchase again??